A Man Diagnoses Himself as a Vampire
KEN: Hi, Dr. Stern.
DR. STERN: Hello, Ken. What’s bringing you in today?
KEN: Um, I don’t really know how to say this. I think I might…be a vampire.
DR. STERN: A vampire? Okay. Why don’t you tell me your symptoms and let me diagnose you?
KEN: Um, okay, so I used to like garlic bread, and then last night I went to this restaurant called Big Mikes, and I ordered it, and when I took a bite, it burned my mouth.
DR. STERN:…
KEN: So I might be a vampire.
DR. STERN: Okay. Is that it?
KEN: Well, I mean, so far, but that’s a pretty big thing.
DR. STERN: Are you sure you didn’t just burn your mouth on the garlic bread because it was hot?
KEN: I suppose that’s possible. But I don’t think so. I’ve never burned my mouth on garlic bread in the past.
DR. STERN: Have you tried garlic bread since last night?
KEN: No. I got some from the store this week, but now I don’t want to eat it.
DR. STERN: Well, let me take a look. Say ah.
KEN: Ah.
DR. STERN: Okay. It looks like you have some mild burns on the roof of your mouth.
KEN: Because I’m a vampire?
DR. STERN: No. They don’t exist.
KEN: Is it because I’m not cool enough to be a vampire?
DR. STERN: Not at all.
KEN: I’m pretty boring.
DR. STERN: Well, I don’t really know you very well.
KEN: Oh! I looked at the sun today and said, gosh, that’s bright.
DR. STERN: It is. You’re still not a vampire.
KEN: Yeah. I’m just an idiot.
DR. STERN: No. You seem…nice.
KEN: That’s what everyone wrote in my yearbook. “Nice.”
DR. STERN: You could be a vampire.
KEN: Now you’re just messing with me.
DR. STERN: No! I mean, what do I know? Maybe you’re a terrifying vampire.
KEN: I did walk by a church today and think, “no thanks.”
DR. STERN: There you go! Well, I suggest you maintain your fluid level to help heal that burn.
KEN: Should I drink blood? I don’t really want to.
DR. STERN: No, no. Um, why don’t you try, uh, the Vitamin Water that has iron in it. That’s a blood substitute, probably.
KEN: Cool. Thanks, Dr. Stern.
DR. STERN: Sure thing.
KEN: If you ever want me to turn you into a vampire, too, let me know. We’ll figure it out.
DR. STERN: Oh, no thanks. I appreciate the offer.
KEN: Cool. I’ll pay at the front.
DR. STERN: Okay. Have a good one.
DR. STERN:…
DR. STERN: I should just quit while I’m ahead.
