Monkey’s Paw
MATTHEW: Hi, I’d like to return this monkey’s paw.
GYPSY WOMAN: Ha ha ha, I told you to be careful what you wished for!
MATTHEW: Yeah, thanks. I’m married to a cat because I didn’t technically specify that I wanted a human wife. Way to go.
GYPSY WOMAN: A ha ha ha ha! You should have heeded my warning!
MATTHEW: Why would you give it to me in the first place?
GYPSY WOMAN: You should be careful what you wish for!
MATTHEW: I don’t get why that’s a lesson.
GYPSY WOMAN: Well, it’s…because you should be careful —
MATTHEW: I feel like you’re just going to reiterate what you just said.
GYPSY WOMAN: You must learn —
MATTHEW: No. I refuse to believe that that’s a lesson. If you don’t wish for things, you end up a sad, lonely person who never has any dreams. I wanted a wife. Now I have a cat that somehow manages to wear a wedding band. Are you happy?
GYPSY WOMAN: A ha ha ha!
MATTHEW: Well, you’re all by yourself, aren’t you?
GYPSY WOMAN: I’m very lonely.
MATTHEW: Yeah. I thought so. Why would you give me this thing knowing full well I’d probably bungle my wishes?
GYPSY WOMAN: I thought you might come back to return it.
MATTHEW: That’s your big plan? You know, you could have sold me something good. That’s how businesses work. Then I’d be coming back for more of whatever it was you were selling.
GYPSY WOMAN: My shop smells weird.
MATTHEW: Maybe use some incense. You’re selling a lot of rotting animal parts.
GYPSY WOMAN: A ha ha! This is an incense stick that no man can resist.
MATTHEW: Okay, why don’t we put that down?
GYPSY WOMAN: No man will touch me.
MATTHEW: That’s…I guess I could see why. You’re very unkempt. Have you tried like, internet dating or something?
GYPSY WOMAN: I do not know what that is.
MATTHEW: Sigh. I guess I have time for this. Go on your computer.
GYPSY WOMAN: Okay. I am closing Minesweeper.
MATTHEW: Yeah. Do that. Log on to —
GYPSY WOMAN: What do I do?
MATTHEW: What version of Windows are you using?
GYPSY WOMAN: 3.1.
MATTHEW: Okay, I can’t help you.
GYPSY WOMAN: Then I will give you this necklace, but BEWARE —
MATTHEW: No thanks. I’m good.
GYPSY WOMAN: Sigh. I’m so alone.
MATTHEW: Fine. I’ll take it. But if this strangles me in the middle of the night, I’m not going to be happy with you.
GYPSY WOMAN: …You should probably give it back.
MATTHEW: Thought so.
GYPSY WOMAN: Tell your friends about my shop!
MATTHEW: Yeah. I’ll think about it.
GYPSY WOMAN: I am here all the time!
MATTHEW: You’re just making yourself look sadder.
GYPSY WOMAN: Sorry.
