An Anteater Tries to Get Itself Renamed
ANTEATER: Hi, is this the Natural History Museum’s Taxonomy Department?
DOCENT: Um, hello? Is someone here?
ANTEATER: Hi, yeah. Sorry, I’m not quite tall enough to reach your desk. I’m having a bit of an animal classification-related problem. I wasn’t sure who to talk to, and a friend suggested I try the museum.
DOCENT: You’re an anteater.
ANTEATER: Right. We spoke on the phone earlier, you remember?
DOCENT: Uh, um, I, I assumed I was talking to a, a man, not, uh —
ANTEATER: Oh, hah, that’s funny. Do you ever do that thing where you try to guess what the person on the other end of the phone looks like?
DOCENT: Uh.
ANTEATER: I do that all the time. You know, I assumed you would be older. You have a very authoritative-sounding voice.
DOCENT: Aghhhh…..
ANTEATER: Sorry. Off-subject. Anyway, here’s my problem. As you have no doubt gathered, I am a giant anteater. So here’s my question: how do I get the species’ name changed?
DOCENT: …I don’t…I…
ANTEATER: Look, I don’t want to step on any toes. I just find it super offensive that you guys - you know what? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make a generalization. Obviously, you didn’t personally name my species. I’m just in kind of a bad mood after all the phone calls I had to make today. I get flustered trying to dial with my sabre-like anterior claws.
DOCENT: You’re a —
ANTEATER: Well, look at me getting sidetracked again! Yeesh. Okay, so I think giant anteater is offensive, because I do a heck of a lot more than just be big and eat ants, and —
DOCENT: YOU’RE A TALKING ANTEATER!
ANTEATER: Well, there’s no need to yell. I can hear just fine.
DOCENT: …Talking anteater….no…
ANTEATER: Look, I don’t mean to immediately shoot down your idea, but “talking anteater” isn’t really the improvement I was hoping for. Yes, I do talk and eat ants, but I would call you a human or a docent, not a “walking clotheswearer” or a “pointing-at-things tourmaker.” It’s just lazy naming.
DOCENT: You…you…I…[gasp]
DOCENT faints.
ANTEATER: [Sigh]
ANTEATER: Every single time.
ANTEATER: Well.
ANTEATER: You know, you guys have a termite infestation.
ANTEATER: …
ANTEATER: [lick lick lick]
