Hello! It’s me, Brynna. Why am I here, writing to you from Tumblr? Well, I’m glad you asked. Well, yesterday, I had an annoying interaction with a Time Warner guy, and I’d like to clear something up that I know is fuzzy for everyone involved.
If I say, “I have a boyfriend,” it’s not a puzzle game where if you say the right thing, that status will change. And look, I know not all of you know whether I actually have a boyfriend when I say this, (for the record, I do, and he’s ALL KINDS OF FANTASTIC), but here are all of the possible realities to make things easy for you when navigating these waters:
1) I do actually have a boyfriend and am happy. This means that I am not interested in dating you or anybody else, and if you continue to hit on me, I may take out my pepper spray, because you’re being rapey, and you can bet my boyfriend will hear about you being a creep, and you don’t know if he’s the type to beat people up.
2) I am lying about having a boyfriend. Why would a lady do that, you ask? Well, it’s because she’s NOT INTERESTED and wants an easy excuse to reject you. So, if you continue to hit on me, I may take out my pepper spray, because you’re being rapey.
These are the two logical reasons why I would mention my boyfriend. But wait, Brynna, what if she IS interested and is just playing hard to get? I promise you in 99 percent of situations, she’s not, and you are deluding yourself. For those of you who are confused, here is an example of actual playing hard to get:
Guy: “Hey, can I have your number?”
Girl: “Psh, you’re going to have to impress me first.”
See? The girl didn’t say yes, but she explicitly invited him to keep trying. This is what playing hard to get is.
But let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that I have mentioned the boyfriend but I am still somehow interested in a relationship with you:
3) I do actually have a boyfriend, but I am not happy, and I am interested in you. This is a huge stretch in logic already, because in that case, why would I tell you I had a boyfriend? But wow, fun, right? In this instance, I have a man in my life who will possibly beat you up at some point! Great!
4) I don’t have a boyfriend and I am interested. Okay, so I just lied to you right off the bat. You’re getting into something with someone who thinks it’s fun to lie to people she’s involved with. Maybe I’ll just turn out to be a weird, manipulative liar. Do I have an STD? You won’t know until you visit your doctor! Maybe I’m lying about not having heads in my freezer. Who knows?
So, to recap:
1) Boyfriend/Not Interested: You get rejected, maybe beaten up, maybe pepper sprayed.
2) No Boyfriend/Not Interested: You get rejected, maybe pepper sprayed.
3) Boyfriend/Interested: You get a date, maybe beaten up.
4) No Boyfriend/Interested: You get a date with a weird liar who might boil your pet bunny.
So there it is. Do any of those sound fun and nice to you? No? Well, darn, I guess you should NOT HIT ON PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY HAVE BOYFRIENDS.