As I sit here, cocooned in my fish-patterned blanket as the rain pitter-patters against my much drawn-on bedroom window, my space heater blasting hot air at my day bed, I think about the obstacles I face as an awkward human being. It’s not a matter of not knowing what to say at times, or that I am somehow intellectually stunted. It is that I overthink everything I do in my life, whether it’s improv or piano or writing or social interactions. For example, I just spent a minute considering whether I should put commas in between those four things, or if they’d have more impact if I left the punctuation out. Oh God, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Don’t panic, Brynna.
Anyway, I thought I’d give everyone a taste of my personal nonsense. Here are two transcripts of the things that happen in my brain.
I was doing a scene in Improv Boot Camp on Friday, and I became aware of my thought process in the middle of a scene. I started a sentence with “We both love the movie —” The following was my thought process before coming up with one.
Say Lady in the Water.
You always say Lady in the Water. That’s your stupid go-to move.
Don’t say it, then.
What other movies are there?
Lady…
Ladyhawke! That’s a funny reference.
Wait, why did I think of that movie?
Did someone I know just reference that movie?
Oh God, what if I say Ladyhawke and it was just referenced at a Smokes show that I saw and Eugene is watching and he thinks I’m trying to make some weird callback and he thinks I’m a total nutjob?
Wait.
No, I just saw it pop up on Netflix.
That’s where I saw it.
Phew.
“Ladyhawke.”
And if you think I’m overthinking things there, I’d like to direct your attention to my fantastic life skills:
ME: “So I just learned how to knit.”
Aw, there’s that guy you like. He’s pretty great.
Don’t say something stupid.
I can’t think of what’s stupid to say.
Just say hi. People say hi all the time.
Yeah, but don’t make it a needy-sounding hi.
FRIEND: “Oh, that’s cool.”
What’s a needy-sounding hi?
I don’t know. But that guy in high school called you needy that one time.
Yeah, but that’s high school.
Yeah, but that guy was pretty mature for his age.
Oh God, what if I am needy?
Maybe you should just not make eye contact with him at all.
Yeah, just hang out with your other friends, and if he wants to come over, he can.
ME: “Yeah, I just got knitting needles from a friend. It’s pretty time consuming for not that much of a reward, but I finished a scarf.”
Oh no, what if he thinks I’m snubbing him?
Well, don’t be rude about it.
Just say you like his shirt.
You like his shirt? Are you serious? What kind of compliment is that?
Well, I mean, I do like that shirt. He looks handsome.
Yeah, but what if he’s like, oh, she’s shallow. She only likes me because of my looks.
He doesn’t think you’re shallow.
You don’t know that.
FRIEND: “You should come over and see my new place.”
ME: “Oh yeah! That’ll be exciting.”
Just tell him he’s funny.
I think I’ve given him too many compliments recently.
What if he’s like, oh no, here comes Brynna. She’s so overbearing.
Nobody doesn’t like compliments.
That’s not true. Remember when someone said you were amazing and you could tell they liked you, and then you were super uncomfortable because you didn’t like them back because they were too needy?
Yeah, but I’m not needy! I’m pretty great, and I’m super smart, and I’m funny, and I’m musically talented, and I’m pretty, and I’m good with animals.
Well, don’t act like a smug jerk about it.
FRIEND: “I was thinking about —”
What if the only reason people laugh at me is because I’m so weird that they’re like, what the heck is she doing?
Please don’t turn this into a night where you sit on Facebook and get depressed that no one’s commented on your statuses.
Oh God, what if I’ve liked too many of his Facebook statuses?
So just don’t like any for a while.
But I legitimately like them.
Well, he hasn’t come up to talk to you.
Agh, what if he’s like, oh no, I hope I don’t have to talk to Brynna because she’s a weirdo?
Well, you are being a weirdo. You’re standing like, three feet away, barely paying attention to your friends.
FRIEND: ” — how’s tomorrow?”
Oh shoot, I was supposed to be listening to this conversation. Say something so you can figure out what’s going on.
ME: “I’ve got some work tomorrow. How long do you think we’d be?”
Good job, Brynna. That’s sneaky. They’ll talk for a while.
FRIEND: “— but we don’t have to go all the way up this time.”
HIKING! That’s it! Five points for Ms. Brynna Campbell. Hah! I am a genius. Yes! Say hi while you’re still confident about something.
ME: “How’s it going?”
GUY: “Hi Brynna.”
Okay, he said hi.
And there he goes.
Oh God, he hates me forever.
He’s probably just busy. He’s got his own stuff to worry about.
Yeah, like not talking to Cuckoo Face.
Well, maybe he was waiting for you to come up so HE wouldn’t come across needy!
You really think so?
No.
Want to go get depressed about Facebook statuses?
Sounds like a plan!
And no, this is not how my brain works for the most part. I don’t need those groans of sympathy I seem to elicit from audiences sometimes. I’m pretty okay. But the part of my brain that gets excited about sea anemones isn’t nearly as entertaining. And in case you were wondering, here’s how an interaction with my ex-roommate went:
She needs to get the fuck out of my apartment.
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT!”
So there’s that.
