Brynna Campbell

An Open Letter to CNN, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, or Any News Outlet That Is Not Fox News

lindsaykatai:

http://crooksandliars.com/john-amato/teabagger-mark-williams-says-obama-indo (Link via Alex Fernie)

Guys, gals … you need to stop it. You need to stop reporting on Fox News’ terms. You’re letting them set the rules in what is an increasingly urgent situation. Letting them set the rules of the game is the same as entering Thunderdome with a crazy person and letting them pick the weapon with which they will kill you. You choose your fists, like a gentleman, and then act surprised when they pull out the electrified badger. There they are, flailing about wildly, their chances of hitting you far greater than your chances of hitting them - yet you look surprised. Why are you surprised and why do you keep reporting according to their rules? Why are you letting them control the conversation? If you step into Thunderdome and they grab the badger, you step OUT of Thunderdome. There is no victory to be had there.

One of their number says something crazy and you retain your composure and proceed as though they have an opinion. IT IS NOT. It’s not an opinion. It’s a lie. A lie is not the same as an opinion and you don’t have to respect it as such.

The news shouldn’t be saying, “Town Hall Protesters Oppose Obama’s Health Care Plan.” They should be saying, “Extremists Have No Grasp On Proposed Health Care Changes.” To report otherwise is to be seriously remiss in your duties as a journalist. I’m not even angry at the people protesting. They’re unhinged from reality and there’s no reasoning with them. But you, of the supposedly sane media, know better and you’re making money off of it. That’s what makes me angry here.

I don’t care what these people are saying. They’re saying Obama is a Nazi Socialist Communist. Right there, that tells me they have no idea which is up, down, or sideways. Those are three entirely different ideologies and to call him all three is to prove that you’re wildly misinformed. And instead of reporting on this situation for what it is (a bunch of people who are angry and no one can quite make out what they’re angry about except, maybe, everything), you report on this as though these people are legitimately taking part in the political system. You’re doing this because Fox News is doing this, but you need to understand that you don’t need their viewership. Their viewership is full of the same people staging these protests and they’re staging them because Fox News convinced them to do so. You will never get their viewership. Their viewers are not even viewers so much as members of a congregation. You need us. You need the people who are paying attention and thinking and using their reasoning skills.

But you’re losing us. We’re not watching you because we don’t trust you. We stopped trusting you a long time ago. I tell you that not to dissuade you, but to try to convince you that you can get us back. By acting like journalists again. I’m telling you to be investigative and hard-hitting. You’re supposed to expose the truth of the situation, not report it as a meek sideliner. Journalism has always been participatory to some extent, but now you seem so afraid of being called the “Liberal Media” that you’re letting Fox take the offense game. YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE REFERRED TO AS THE LIBERAL MEDIA. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but that’s the way it is. What you’re saying may be true and you will still be the Liberal Media. You were dancing on Bill Clinton’s political grave by reporting non-stop on the Lewinski scandal, but they were still calling you the Liberal Media.

They are fighting a war here and you are letting them win because you aren’t fighting back. You can’t have their audience. You are the nerd seeking the approval of the jocks, but they will never like you. They will never think you’re cool. They will never ask you to sit at their table. They can smell your weakness. You can’t keep trying to play both sides. You can’t be sensational and respectable. You can’t be alarmist and sober. You need to be what you are: a goddamn news outlet. Fox News isn’t a news outlet. It’s a religion parading as news. It’s a faith. You will never have access to their true believers, so stop participating in the conversation they’re controlling and START. YOUR. OWN.

Lindsay Katai

No Fillings This Time

I went to the dentist yesterday.  Going there is always a mixture of anticipation and horror, although lately it leans toward the latter (I no longer qualify for the free fake vampire teeth and plastic animals from the prize box).

I walk in the door to the office and secretly hope it will be a while in the waiting room.  There’s a fascinating copy of Details magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover that I’m dying to peruse.

“Bryanna Campbell.”  Damn.  They’ve mispronounced my name again, and I haven’t even seen past the table of contents (I’ll never see the Users Guide to Man Boobs now).

Once I’m in the torture chair (because, let’s be honest, that’s what all torture chairs look like), I cross my fingers and hope it’s not that psycho hygienist I got last time.  No such luck.  This lady plays a harsh game.

I try to go into my happy place while she’s hacking away at my gums.  Think of that great scene I did yesterday.  How about that cute guy to whom I almost waved?  I can’t wait to get to that baseball game -

“There’s a lot of bleeding here.”  Ah, so that’s how you want to play it, Sadistic Nurse.  She must have some sort of telepathy that tells her exactly when I’m almost not noticing her mouth-Jihad so she can comment on it or ask me a question.

“What have you been up to?”  This is a really great question, one I could really delve into if I didn’t have a mirror, a scraper (that’s dentist lingo for you), and some kind of foam I’m trying desperately not to swallow in my mouth (I know that may also be what she said - get your mind out of the gutter).  But that’s okay; I’m going to think about what I’ve been up to, starting with that wonderful time I had in New York -

“You need to start flossing.”  The assault continues.  I was waiting for that one.  It doesn’t matter that I floss every day, or that I’ve told them this every single time I’ve been there.  In fact, I have a really great explanation I’d like to give them this time, because I’d been thinking about it, and really, it’s their fault if I bleed so much.  Here goes:

“Mmmfff mm mmff.”  I know what you’re thinking: “Brynna, you’re so eloquent.  There’s no way she didn’t stop to think about that one.”  Thank you; you’re very kind.  But she just won’t listen to reason.

“You should also rinse with saltwater.”  Thanks, Lady.

Fortunately, it’s over, and all that’s left is to speak to the dentist himself.

“You’re fine.”

Oh good.  I’m glad there’s a dentist in the house to provide such a detailed description of how my teeth are doing. Following this expert opinion he proceeds to tell me all about how he spoke to a House committee about how we shouldn’t reform the health care system.  Great.  I was just wondering if there were other ways these guys could twist the knife.  I’m so happy to be funding this operation.

Well, at least my teeth are looking shiny and white (put blatantly racist remark here).  Now to go eat some jawbreakers and pesto.

My Dating Tips (1-100), In One Place for Easy Viewing

Brynna’s Dating Tips #1: Try going out with full zombie makeup on. It’s a great conversation starter!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #2: Wear a wedding dress on your first date. Guys: Tuxedos! That way, you’ll never show up under-dressed again!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #3: Apply the advertising “Rule of 7” to your dating life. Leave 7 voice mails on his phone. He’ll remember you!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #4: Guys - Spot an attractive girl walking by herself? Grab her from behind as a joke. She’ll think it’s hilarious!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #5: Can’t remember your date’s name? Try Candy. What about Shaniqua? No? Well, she’s probably not worth it.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #6: At the beginning of a date, let her know you’ve already paid for condoms. She’ll think you’re chivalrous!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #7: Looking for a gift to bring your date? Get her a puppy! Pick a used one up at a shelter. Savings!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #8: On a second date, tell her she looks much better this time.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #9: Be unique! Instead of a movie, show her that really cool abandoned warehouse.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #10: Want to really make her swoon? Try tipping a dozen roses with chloroform. She’ll be in your arms in no time!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #11: Turn a negative into a positive. If she says no, it means yes, but only if you add something fun to my drink!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #12: Girls - Play hard to get. Don’t let him do anal until the second date.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #13: See a hot girl driving in front of you? Try a fender bender. She’ll give you her phone number

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #14: A wingman can be useful. Have him rape your future girl in an alleyway. You’ll look fantastic by comparison!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #15: Sassy girlfriend? Don’t hit her in public! Save it for when you get home. She’ll love your sense of discretion.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #16: Bet your date $1 you can make her boobs move without touching them. Then grab her boobs and hand her $1! Magic!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #17: Taking her back to your place? Make her feel secure. Lock the windows and bolt the door as soon as she comes in.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #18: If you punch her in the face, she won’t remember you called her by the wrong name. Problem solved.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - # 19: Get to know your date! Construct a hide across from her house: http://tinyurl.com/dg9wzt Patience is key!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #20: Did you commit the #1 dating faux pas? A meat locker is a great place to store a body!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #21: Be confident! Don’t let a lady’s boyfriend deter you from sitting down next to her at a restaurant.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #22: Two things girls love: guys who can cook and metaphors! Go to your local butcher and pick her up a cow’s heart.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #23: Take her to a nice view. A great “make-out” place can double as a great “body-dumping” place if things go awry!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #24: Women love stuffed animals. Pick one up at your local taxidermist’s!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #25: Many animals use scent to attract a mate. Try marking her with your urine. Flared nostrils means she likes you!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #26: Dating can be risky these days. Reassure her when you meet her that you don’t have crabs.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #27: Is your date reluctant to make love? Give her confidence by getting naked as soon as you walk in your door.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #28: Want to meet someone who understands you? Try meeting someone at a family reunion. Guaranteed common ground!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #29: Many of my readers ask: when is it okay to date rape? Listen, there’s a time for that. It’s called “after prom.”

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #30: Be confident. If he makes eye contact, it means he wants you to come grab his junk. Same for women and boobs!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #31: Need a topic of conversation? Try one of these: bus routes, your taxidermy collection, interesting moles!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #32: Awkward silence? Remember: location, location, location. She’ll love your riveting knowledge of Franklin Ave.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #33: Most guys order a drink for a nice looking lady. Be unique! Send her a nice 72oz steak with 2lbs of fries.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #34:Is your smoking habit a problem for her? Put nicotine patches on her steak, chicken, or fish. She’ll come around!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #35: Screw someone under 18? Girls, like a good wine, can be stored in the garage until they’ve aged properly.

Brynna’s Dating Tips -#36:Drinking might help you loosen up during a date, but too much means you can’t overpower her later. Make it virgin.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #37: Tired of finding dates in the bar scene? An underground parking garage is a great place to meet the ladies.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #38: Having a messy breakup? Use bleach! Don’t forget to wear gloves!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #39: Want to make love in your car? Get tinted windows to set the mood. Child safety locks are also your friend!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #40: Feeling self-conscious about some pre-date acne? Wear a ski-mask to your date! It adds an air of mystery.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #41: Apply economic advice to your dating life! Window shop before you buy. Start in your apartment complex.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #42: How long should you wait before you call her? Ask her for a calendar of her cycle so you can plan ahead!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #43: Want to compliment her? Tell her she would look nice with breast enhancement. Everybody wins!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #44: Is she in the mood? Goosebumps, dilated pupils, and not locking her car door are all signs she’s interested!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #45: Want to try a threesome but afraid to ask? Girls use the restroom in pairs. Just lock the door and go to town!

Brynna’s Dating Tips -#46:Sleep with her and can’t remember her name? Try the window. You don’t even have to explain that rash on your dong!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #47: Girls, like Schrodinger’s cat, remain both pregnant and not pregnant as long as you never open that box.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #48: Flowers are gifts with meaning. A red rose means love, white means purity, and with roots attached means thrift!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #49: The gym is a great place to meet women who will fight back!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #50: Did you know that chemicals mix slowly when cold? When mixing a drink for your lady, add roofies before ice!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #51: Don’t forget music! Stevie Wonder may be sexy, but put on some Lamb of God and you’ll never hear her say “no.”

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #52: Have trouble remembering names the next day? Plan ahead! Tattoo her name on yourself as soon as you meet her.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #53: Has he called you back? If a week passes, go to his house to make sure he’s okay. Back doors are often unlocked!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #54: Want to make her feel special? Shave her name into your back hair. She’ll love your thoughtfulness!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #55: Small talk is difficult. Skip it! Go straight to oral sex in the bar. Girls love a guy who is direct!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #56: Looking for a secluded place to make love? Try under a freeway!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #57: Wear a skirt and grabbable hairstyle and take a night stroll! A new man will sweep you off your feet in no time!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #58: Camping is a great activity. She’ll find alone time nice, and the injuries you inflict can be blamed on bears!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #59: On a lunch date? Bring a flask of vodka to make her soda a little more fun when she’s not looking!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #60: Worried about getting her pregnant? Plan ahead! Get a blueprint of her house to plan an emergency escape route.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #61: Girlfriend hotter than you? Keep her out of the dating pool! Mix lard (or shortening - vegans!) into her meals.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #62:Animals use pheremones to attract a mate. Cover yourself in fox musk. She’ll love it, and it also repels gophers!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #63: Always keep the basics for a romantic night on hand: condoms, sensual oils, duct tape, candles, and a shovel.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #64: Looking for a unique gift for your lady? Give her a haircut when she’s asleep. She’ll be so surprised!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #65: Want to date a hot coworker? Tell your boss your date’s been stealing. One pink slip later, and she’s fair game!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #66: See a date at a rest stop? Slash a tire. She’ll eventually pull over. Time to work your magic!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #67: Looking for someone open to new suggestions in bed? Check out your local cult!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #68: Eye contact, smiling, and a firm handshake are helpful tools when claiming you don’t have herpes.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #69: Worried that your date won’t call you back? Poke tiny holes in your condoms. She’ll keep in touch!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #70: Have a cold and a germaphobic date? Nyquil works wonders. Just slip some in her drink!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #71: Craigslist is a great tool for dating. Post your home address and leave your front door unlocked for Mr. Right!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #72: On a first date? Set up an appointment in advance for her at your local abortion clinic. She’ll thank you later!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #73: Dating a mom? Bring some fireworks. They will drown out the sound of lovemaking and keep the child entertained!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #74:Turn your eating disorder into a “dating” disorder! Men love women with an appetite. Shovel that food down!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #75: Women love gifts! Have unprotected sex with her when she sleeps. 6 weeks later, she’ll be pleasantly surprised!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #76: Strip-o-grams aren’t just for bachelorette parties anymore. Send one as a thank you for a great first date!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #77: Starting an affair? Find an illegal immigrant. Desperation is sexy, and if she talks, you can have her deported!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #78: Is your lady upset with you? Let her know you care about her problems by dropping off some tampons and Midol.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #79: Meeting her parents? Compliment Mom, shake Dad’s hand, and offer to pick your date up after the PSATs for them.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #80: Ladies: Nobody likes a smart woman! Turn your thinker into a thanker. Blow jobs require no speaking at all!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #81: Invest in a teddy bear camera. She’ll love the plush fur; you’ll love its record of your most private moments!

Brynna’s dating Tips - #82: Dirty talk guaranteed to turn him on: “Give it to me,” “Keep going,” “Please don’t kill me; I have a family.”

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #83:Afraid you’re boring your man? Show him your boobs! He’ll forget all about your cat Muffin and her misadventures.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #84: Want to spice things up in the bedroom for her birthday? Over-guess her age and hold on for a wild ride!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #85: Spice things up in the bedroom. Play doctor! She won’t even notice that kidney is missing until later.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #86: Women love surprise getaways! Put her in the trunk of your car and drive to an undisclosed location.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #87: Help your man increase his stamina in bed! When you think he’s almost finished, ask him how his mother is doing.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #88: Men - make passes at girls who wear glasses. Poor vision means she won’t notice that cold sore!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #89: Women love confidence! Build your self-esteem by going to the gym, getting a new haircut, or beating up a hobo.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #90: Having trouble getting pregnant? Pick up a baby at your local mall. 1 unattended stroller = 9 months saved!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #91: Dating a feminist? Offer her an exchange: you give her dinner, she gives you a blow job. Equality!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #92: Proud of your sexual prowess? Keep video clips of your past endeavors handy to show your new date you’re a stud!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #93: Jewelry is a great way to say, “No, I didn’t cheat on you with the Asian cleaning lady on our couch 3 times.”

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #94: Get in shape for your lady! Some great aerobic exercises include swimming, hiking, and running from rival gangs.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #95:Keep yourself looking sharp after first date mishaps! Use peroxide to remove red wine, lipstick, or blood stains.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #96: Cheap sex toys can be hard to find. Did you know that your roommate’s electric toothbrush doubles as a vibrator?

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #97:Match interests! Find jocks at the gym, nerds at the library, and Disney enthusiasts at your local middle school.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #98: Women love a man who gives her confidence! Tell her she’ll definitely defeat the crabs you gave her.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #99: Women love a man with a mysterious past. Try scarring your face. Her imagination will fill in the rest!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #100:Tired of looking for men in bars? Try looking behind bars! Visit your local prison for your new Mr. Right.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #101: Women are natural caretakers. Try breaking your legs. The ladies will be all over you in no time!

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #102: Women love surprises. Don’t show up at her front door! Hide in her closet until it’s time for your first date.

Brynna’s Dating Tips - #103: Give your roommates fair warning when bringing a date home. Describe exactly what you plan on doing. Be specific!